letters
by sunlethe
Summary: "I want to go see you, but I don't know where I'll end up. So the most I can do is dip my feet where it's shallow and hope that you're okay and not feeling as lonely as the sea." Six letters, dating from December 861 to February 862. AU. Mikasa-centric.


**. : letters : .**

December 30, 861

Eren,

The outside is knee-deep in snow, and everyone else is huddled up by the fire downstairs. Even with your scarf around me, I'm freezing. This is the last time we'll all be living under the same roof. By next evening, everyone will be off to their own places… That is, if the snowstorm is gone by morning.

I'm not moving to Sina like the others. I'll stay here in Trost for the meantime, until I figure out the next steps to take. I'm sure you've already got yours figured out. You've always been a step ahead of us, after all. In everything.

I don't know where to send your letter to, but I'll hang on to it for now. In a few days there will be a new year ahead of us, and it will be the second since the end of the war.

I miss you. We all do. Once I figure out how to reach you, I hope you'll find the time to write back…or at least remember us every once in a while.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

January 1, 862,

Eren,

The squad celebrated the New Year together. Flares were fired at the top of the walls and a bonfire was held at the Town Square. You should have seen all the colors in the sky just a few hours ago. It was wonderful, but not as great as it would have been if you were here with us.

My hands were cold, but Armin and Sasha held on to them for a good part of the night.

The Lance Corporal gave a toast to all our efforts, and Major Hange announced that she's thinking of filing in a resignation soon. I might follow after her. There's no use for any of us to stay in the Legion any longer. All the fighting is done, and I'm just…tired.

Believe it or not, Sasha's the first one to pass out at the feast. We all pitched in to carry her back to her bunk. Now everyone else is sleeping soundly, but I feel both empty and overwhelmed and too cold to stay in bed.

I hate you, but I know those words would be lies no matter how I say them. I can never hate you, even if you did choose the selfish decision and just left without us. Without me.

I miss you. I hope you'd write back. I still can't cry, but I wish I could. Maybe you're right. Maybe I never grew up, and it's about time I did.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

January 18, 862,

Eren,

My resignation from military duties is official. They've given me a week to stay in the barracks, but afterwards I'll be joining Armin in Stohess.

In two weeks the military will be implementing a new system. The Garrison and the Legion will be dissolved, and soldiers who still wish to serve have been offered positions at the Frontier and the Brigade. Out of what's left of us, Armin's the only one who volunteered. Everyone else is filing their own resignations. Maybe a war and nearly ten years of service is enough for some of us.

The Military Police also underwent a purge in staff and operations. Now they're calling it the Sentry, with new purpose and new leadership. Jean was offered the position of High Commander, and he took it. I also heard that Lance Corporal Levi was drafted as High Commander of the Royal Guard and Advisor to the Queen. The rest I haven't heard from in a while, but I hope they're all doing fine. As are you.

I still haven't figured out what to do, but for now, I guess looking for a home is a good place to start.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

February 21, 862

Eren,

It's been a week since I moved to the South. The temperature's warmer here, so you'll be happy to know that I don't wear the scarf as much anymore. I wasn't used to not wearing it at first, but whenever I tried to, I felt choked. You might be shaking your head right now if you're reading this, or thinking, 'told you wearing that scarf everywhere is stupid'. But that's okay. You're right about that, and that's all there is to say about it.

Armin wrote to me a month ago. He probably writes to you, too. But just in case his letters haven't reached you yet, he told me that the Frontier's next expedition is due north. He hasn't written back in weeks, but he says he'll keep in touch once they return to Stohess. I hope he'll be back soon. Safely, because that's what counts.

You'll be turning twenty-two in a month, so that will make two of us. Armin and I will come up with a plan to celebrate. Surely you wouldn't be disappointed.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

February 25, 862

Eren,

I've started planting flowers here. Sasha bought me seeds from Karanese before my send-off, and it's only now that I've decided to put them to use. There's nothing much to do here. The house is small and well-kept so there's not much for me to clean.

The people in town are good people, and they've been kind enough to offer tea and company whenever I drop by for supplies. There's this widowed woman I met who raises chickens for a living. Her husband used to be a tailor. She taught me a few things about growing a garden, and also gave me forget-me-not seeds to start.

It's only been a day since I planted the seeds. It will be spring soon, and by summer, I'm hoping to grow Irises. They're Aunt Carla's favorite after all, and they remind me of you the most. Remember when we used to gather firewood before supper? I miss those times…but not as much as I miss you.

I just hope that wherever you are now, you're okay and doing your fair share of work.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

February 29, 862

Eren,

The seeds at home are starting to grow, and I'm hopeful. I tend to them every morning before hanging the clothes, and somehow, just seeing them outside is enough to reassure me. To make me feel less lonely here.

But don't get me wrong…the last thing I'll ever be is lonely. I'm content with the quiet, and the occasional trip to town is enough to remind me that conversations are healthy every once in a while, and that people will always need other people to stay alive.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, because there is never enough to do in a day. Sometimes I wonder about how the others are doing, and how they're feeling whenever I'm thinking about them. You included.

Are there lots of people where you're at? Are you eating enough? Smiling enough? Sleeping well enough? Do you think the sea ever gets lonely out there?

This afternoon I've decided to keep it company, and I'm writing to you now with my feet in the sand and the water as blue as Armin's eyes. I've only been here a handful of times, but nothing seems to change. The sea's still endless from where I'm standing. The horizon is always clear-cut. Always empty like the shore. I wonder if all seas look the same… Timeless.

The people from town hardly visit the sea. Some say they're afraid of it, that it will eat you alive if you stay too close to the tides, like titans could. Others simply choose not to have the time for it. They'll tell you that it's nothing but salty water for miles, and what good was it to anyone if you couldn't even drink it?

I can't say I'm disappointed. People will always be afraid of the unknown, if not uncaring towards it. But I know better. The three of us do. You and Armin and I.

The sea will never drag us out by the necks, not if we don't want it to. It's polite and patient. It waits for us to make the choice, and guides us along once we do. Maybe it can even take us wherever we want, like the beautiful places in those old books, or at the doorstep of the people we're missing.

I want to go see you, but I don't know where I'll end up. So the most I can do is dip my feet where it's shallow and hope that you're okay and not feeling as lonely as the sea.

I miss you terribly. So much that it aches. And the water feels so forgiving on my ankles that maybe, taking a few steps closer could soothe the pain entirely. And slowly but surely I'll be carried off to wherever you are, and I'll know for sure that you're fine. That we're both fine.

But I won't. I can't go in any further, not when the sun is about to set and it will be too dark to see anything. I've got supper to cook at home, so I'm walking back to where it's dry to finish this letter and start gathering my things. It's gotten too long already, and I'm sorry if my thoughts have turned out to be a handful.

The next time, I'll try to write less so you wouldn't have reasons to squint at the words.

Stay safe, and write back once you can.

Well wishes,  
Mikasa

x

* * *

_The letters may mean nothing for now, but it will all make sense soon (if I choose not to leave things as they are).  
If ever, this story will be very dear to me, and I hope I'll be able to finish it with enough heart and courage.  
Regardless, thank you for reading._


End file.
